


Skinny Love

by whiteshores



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, I don’t know what to tag, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, very briefly though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 19:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17209787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiteshores/pseuds/whiteshores
Summary: Jeonghan doesn't know why Seungcheol sticks with him when he's so broken, but Seungcheol will remind Jeonghan that he loves him everyday.





	Skinny Love

**Author's Note:**

> I had an idea that somehow turned into a fic. Negative body image and very brief mention of eating disorder (bulimia). If something like that is triggering for you please don't read! Otherwise, enjoy! Also, I haven't written a fic in years so please bear with me. Feedback is appreciated (:

Jeonghan stares at his reflection in the mirror and sighs for the umpteenth time today. It’s barely nine in the morning. One would think he would get used to this; seeing his reflection. It’s not like he lives and breathes within this conglomerate of organs that somehow function and manage to keep him alive. Why his heart continues to pump blood to the tips of his appendages and his lungs continue to circulate air every day, he doesn’t know. However, his organs can’t stop functioning yet. He’s barely in his mid-twenties; there’s too much of his life left to live. Things he still wants to do and accomplish. That doesn’t stop the negative thoughts from creeping to the forefront of his mind though.

 

‘You’re so skinny.’ ‘Please eat a cheesecake or something.’ ‘Stick.’ ‘How are you so thin?’ Repeated comments that he’s heard throughout the years echo in his mind. Jeonghan is used to hearing these remarks, but the sting never goes away. He  _ knows _ that he is skinny, underweight, frail, and whatever other adjectives describes his almost sickly appearance. It’s not his fault though. Within the relentless idol industry, looks are excruciatingly important. Putting on a little weight and becoming what is considered “healthy” would result in mocking, complaints, and a multitude of other things Jeonghan doesn’t want to think about. He’s not stupid; he sees the comments people post online. People can be so heartless when there’s a screen that separates them from whoever they’re talking about. People who go through countless struggles that the public knows nothing about. Can’t know about because people like Jeonghan are paid to put on a pretty smile and act like nothing is wrong. It’s infuriating but that’s part of the price he had to pay in chasing his dreams. Don’t get him wrong though; Jeonghan loves his job. He’s met some incredible people, made lifelong friends, and gets to perform in front of thousands of people. Everyday, he challenges himself to improve in any aspect he can. He loves the challenge and his efforts are rewarded.  

 

Unfortunately not every effort is rewarded. Jeonghan would like to blame his somewhat concerning weight (or lack thereof) to the pressure the industry puts on him to fit the perfect  _ skinny _ pretty idol image. But he knows it is not entirely true. He’s tried to gain weight. Tried and failed. After some convincing, he joined Seungcheol in the leader’s workouts at the gym. If he was going to gain weight, it should be a healthy weight at least. Muscle weight is healthy, right? Seungcheol even provided Jeonghan with an easy regimen to start with and slowly build up. After a few months and little progress, Jeonghan slowly began to give up. He did what he was supposed to do. Change of diet, increase in repetitions, stretching...all for nothing. His arms and legs might have gotten a little more toned, but it was nothing compared to Seungcheol, who seemed to be able to bulk up like it’s second nature. Jihoon had joined their workout sessions too, and even  _ he _ has gained more muscle than Jeonghan has in a fraction of the time Jeonghan has spent at the gym. Life is so unfair.

 

Stupid metabolism. The average person would probably be envious of Jeonghan’s body and its ability to burn through calories so quickly. But would they want the price that it comes with? The maddening thoughts of negativity, concerning loved ones while trying to convince them (and yourself) that you  _ are _ okay, and loathing your own body with every waking moment. No, Jeonghan doesn’t think a rational person would want that at all. Keyword being rational.

 

Jeonghan wishes he could at least have a little more meat on his all-too-thin bones. He would also like to shut down that argument of fragile masculinity before someone has a chance to start that conversation. Jeonghan could not give two shits about looking “manly”, whatever that was supposed to mean. Who decided that being big and beefy was attractive anyway? No, Jeonghan just wants to be  _ healthy _ , or at least look it. If he looked healthy, maybe he would get less texts from his parents and sister asking if he’s eating well and taking care of himself. Just the concept of worrying his family makes Jeonghan sick to his stomach. They mean the world to him and he should be making them happy. So, the desire to gain some weight is not something bad, right? 

There’s a knock on the door that startles him from his thoughts. “Hannie?” a soft voice calls from the other side of the bathroom door. “Are you alright? You’ve been in there for forty-three minutes. Not that I’ve been counting! That’s creepy. I’m just worried about you is all.” Normally, Jeonghan would have rolled his eyes at Seungcheol’s blabbering. Bless Seungcheol. He’s an absolute sweetheart, always checking on Jeonghan to make sure he’s okay. Even if it is a bit excessive at times, Jeonghan knows it’s because Seungcheol cares about him. But there’s a door between them, and Seungcheol can’t see any expression Jeonghan makes. 

 

“I’m fine, Cheol. Just a little tired and spaced out for a bit. Give me a minute,” Jeonghan replies after Seungcheol asks if he’s okay  _ again _ . Jeonghan hastily pulls on a pair of sweatpants that fall a bit too low on his hips for his liking. But no matter how tight he pulls the drawstrings, it’s not enough for his too narrow hips. Jeonghan tries convincing himself that sweatpants are supposed to be loose. They’re supposed to be comfortable. That’s the whole point. Jeonghan likes being comfortable! He’s not sure there’s supposed to be this much extra room though. His legs barely take up any space in the soft material that hangs loosely around him. Then, he pulls on an old hoodie. Seungcheol’s hoodie. It’s an oversized hoodie and it’s a little big even on Seungcheol, so Jeonghan is drowning in it. It makes him look smaller than he already is (not shorter, he is 178cm thank you very much), but it hides the low waistband of his sweatpants and hides his thin frame. Jeonghan has always appreciated oversized tops. Seungcheol’s hoodie also smells like Seungcheol; it makes him feel warm and safe. A double bonus. Seungcheol also likes it when Jeonghan wears his clothes, so maybe everyone is a winner.

 

Jeonghan opens the door and nearly crashes into Seungcheol, who apparently has been waiting for him the whole time. Seungcheol glances at Jeonghan’s attire and smiles that big, stupid goofy smile that Jeonghan  _ adores _ when he realizes his boyfriend is wearing his sweater. “Hey, Hannie. Get enough beauty sleep?”

 

Jeonghan rolls his eyes because now Seungcheol can appreciate his sass. “Yes, Sleeping Beauty got his much needed rest and had to wake up on his own because Prince Charming wasn’t there to wake him up.” 

 

Seungcheol pouts and pulls Jeonghan into a hug. “I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe he was busy fighting hunger dragons and wanted to make sure Sleeping Beauty was well fed when he woke up?” When Jeonghan doesn’t reply, he adds, “Maybe a good morning kiss too?” 

 

“If only there were a handsome prince to give Sleeping Beauty a good morning kiss!” Jeonghan sighs dramatically. 

 

“There is one! And he’s not very away far away!” Seungcheol says, a gleam in his eyes. He looks like an overexcited puppy. Jeonghan is sure that if Seungcheol had a tail it would be wagging right now. 

 

“Really? I don’t see him? Where is he?” Jeonghan says and pretends to look around Seungcheol’s shoulders. He wills himself not to laugh at Seungcheol’s pout and the whine that escapes his throat. 

 

“Hannie,” Seungcheol whines and tightens his grip around Jeonghan’s waist ever so slightly. 

 

“I’m joking you big baby,” Jeonghan laughs and places a soft peck against Seungcheol’s lips. Seungcheol smiles into the kiss and presses his lips back against Jeonghan’s with so much love and affection. Jeonghan’s arms wrap around his boyfriend’s neck and the weight from his morning mental battle seems to disappear in an instant. He loves how the two fit together so perfectly, with their arms wrapped securely around each other, foreheads touching, and soft giggles filling the space between them every time their lips part from each other. Loves how Seungcheol makes him feel at peace. He’s eternally grateful for whoever allowed them to meet and even more so to whoever allowed them to fall in love. Why Seungcheol fell in love with him, Yoon Jeonghan, he’ll never know. But he’s grateful because something at the back of his mind reminds him that Seungcheol could do better. That Seungcheol doesn’t need to stay with someone so broken and consumed by self-deprecating thoughts. That Seungcheol could drop Jeonghan at any second and move on to someone better. Someone better than Jeonghan will ever be. So Jeonghan cherishes small moments like these while he can. 

 

After what seems like an eternity, Seungcheol finally pulls away and looks at Jeonghan with so much love, Jeonghan feels like his heart might burst. “Breakfast?” Seungcheol asks. Jeonghan hums and nods his head. Their arms untangle, but their hands are quickly joined together as Seungcheol leads his boyfriend to the kitchen where two plates of pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, and a heaping bowl of fruit is waiting for them. 

 

“Geeze Cheol, were you trying to feed the kids too?” Jeonghan asks as he sits down on one side of the table. 

 

“Nope. It’s just us today. The rest went out to enjoy their day off,” Seungcheol replies as he sits across from Jeonghan. 

 

Jeonghan smiles in appreciation and picks up a fork to start eating the breakfast that his boyfriend had so lovingly prepared for them. Except, he’s suddenly not hungry. He knows he should eat  _ something _ ; he always nags the rest of the members to eat something in the morning with the logic of “breakfast is the most important meal of the day” or some other nonsense. Seungcheol also took the time to make breakfast for the two of them. Woke up before Jeonghan to do this, despite having the rare opportunity to sleep in. Jeonghan is poking at his eggs with his fork and suddenly feels like crying. 

 

The food in front of him looks delicious. Jeonghan knows it’s good too; Seungcheol always makes a mean breakfast that makes Jeonghan’s stomach happy for the rest of the day. But the sheer amount of food in front of him makes him feel sick to his stomach. It’s not a whole lot. Definitely more than a normal serving for one person, but not an exceptional amount of food. He knows Seungcheol doesn’t expect him to finish it all either. That doesn’t stop the anxiety that bubbles from the pits of his stomach and makes him start panicking. 

 

He’s suddenly reminded of episodes when he tried eating a ridiculous amount of food in an attempt to gain weight. His body wasn’t used to consuming that much food and didn’t know what to do with it. That resulted in him sitting in front of a toilet bowl for many painful hours, emptying all the contents of his stomach and maybe some more. Despite that pain, Jeonghan stupidly tried it again. And again. And again. Maybe he hoped his stomach would somehow expand and that he would gain some weight if some of the food managed to stay in his system for once. Once, Seungcheol caught him puking and that may have been the most humiliating moment of Jeonghan’s life. But Seungcheol didn’t say anything; just sat next to Jeonghan’s side and rubbed comforting circles on his back. When Jeonghan deemed he had nothing left in his system, Seungcheol quickly ran to get him a cup of water and helped Jeonghan clean up. Seungcheol occasionally asked Jeonghan about the episode afterward, but didn’t press him to talk about until he was ready. After a week or two, Jeonghan’s feelings spilled out as they laid on Seungcheol’s bed, curled up next to each other. Seungcheol kissed all of Jeonghan’s tears away and promised that they’d work through it together. Since then, Jeonghan hasn’t attempted to overstuff himself. He’s thought about it once or twice, but never did the deed.

 

“Hannie? Are you okay?” Seungcheol asks, voice laced with concern. “Did you not want American breakfast today? I’m sorry. I can make something else if you want.” At this point, Jeonghan  _ is _ crying. Fat tears roll down his face and he can’t stop the sobs that wreck his throat. “Hannie? Hannie? What’s wrong baby?” Seungcheol gets up from his seat and quickly decreases the distance between them, bringing Jeonghan into a comforting hug. Jeonghan feels himself lose any remaining restraint he had and lets himself fall apart in Seungcheol’s hold. He’s getting tears and snot in Seungcheol’s old T-shirt and he feels the need to apologize for everything. For being ungrateful. For not eating like a normal person should. For being so self-conscious. For being such a shitty, shitty boyfriend. But no words come out. He can’t say anything in between all the hiccups and sobs. 

 

Seungcheol holds him for a good fifteen minutes before Jeonghan finally calms down. His breathing is more or less even now. After Seungcheol gently wipes away the last few stray tears with the pad of his thumb, Jeonghan looks up at Seungcheol. He wishes he hadn’t. Seungcheol looks so concerned, pained, frightened, anxious, and mildly upset all at once. Well, Jeonghan can’t blame him. He did just have a breakdown because he looked at a plate of food. Anyone in their right mind would think something was wrong. Jeonghan quickly looks down again and mumbles a few apologies that Seungcheol can’t quite catch.

 

“Why are you sorry?” Seungcheol asks softly. Jeonghan feels his heart twist and a lump rise in his throat again. He can’t cry again. There’s no more tears and his eyes hurt, but Choi Seungcheol can make the impossible happen. Jeonghan doesn’t deserve Seungcheol. He really doesn’t. Seungcheol is so kind, patient, understanding, and all the other traits someone wants in a boyfriend. Seungcheol puts up with so much of Jeonghan’s shit and Jeonghan wonders why Seungcheol sticks with him. There’s too much emotional baggage wrapped up in his too small body, but Seungcheol shoulders it for the both of them. It really isn’t fair. 

 

“For everything. For being a terrible boyfriend, for ruining your shirt, for not eating the best breakfast ever, probably. For-” Jeonghan can’t finish his rambling because Seungcheol shuts him up with a kiss. It’s always been effective, and Jeonghan really wishes it wasn’t. 

 

“Hannie,” Seungcheol breathes, voice surprisingly even. “Don’t.” 

 

“But-” Jeonghan starts. 

 

“ _Jeonghan_ ,” Seungcheol says, raising his voice slightly. It has a little more edge and authority in it. Jeonghan doesn’t realize his shoulders tense at Seungcheol’s tone until Seungcheol squeezes them and says his name again in a softer tone. “Jeonghan, you are  _ not _ a terrible boyfriend. Do you hear me? You’re one of the most thoughtful, sweetest people alive. You always listen to others when they’re having a hard time. Even if you’re having a bad day, you’re there for others and you take care of them.” Jeonghan just sits and listens to his boyfriend, sniffling every so often. “Not eating a mediocre breakfast doesn’t make you a villain,” Seungcheol adds with a small smile. At that, Jeonghan laughs and Seungcheol’s smile widens. His fingers run through soft locks and Jeonghan finds himself leaning in to Seungcheol’s touch. 

 

“You were there for me when I was going through a rough patch. When I doubted whether I could be a good leader. When I had frequent panic attacks. Even now, you’re still there for me when stress builds up and I’m on the verge of breaking down. You don’t sugarcoat things and tell me empty words. You listen thoroughly and help me get back on my feet. Even if it’s slow, you patiently walk with me and help me become a better person. Hannie, you’re an amazing boyfriend. The best boyfriend I could have asked for.” Seungcheol says, voice soft, almost a whisper. 

 

Another tear slips down Jeonghan’s cheek and he nuzzles into the crook of Seungcheol’s neck. Seungcheol wraps his arms a little tighter around Jeonghan’s frame and Jeonghan feels safe. He’s reminded that everyone has shit that they’re dealing with. Nobody is perfect. Jeonghan isn’t expected to be perfect. Jeonghan can just be Jeonghan and Seungcheol loves him for that. 

 

The two sit together in silence, breakfast forgotten and growing cold on the table. Neither of them care; being comforted by each other’s warmth is more than enough. Jeonghan isn’t sure if he’ll ever get over his body complex, but Seungcheol is there to support Jeonghan through this mental battle just like Jeonghan is there to support Seungcheol through his. And that’s enough.

  
  



End file.
